Why Men Wait So Long to Ask for Help

Written By Andrew Kaufman

A year ago, my family made a move we were all in on. The opportunity was incredible, especially for my wife's career and for our son's education and upbringing. We chose it, and I knew what I was getting into.

What I didn't see coming was what happens after the excitement of a new country wears off. After setting up the cable and internet for the house, getting the house set up, and 37 hours of IKEA furniture building, I was left with not much to do, in a place where I knew nobody. The new car smell of this adventure slowly slipped into being my new reality, and it left me at home thinking about what this move was going to mean for me, my career, and my identity.

My career and my support network stayed behind, and I took on a role I never pictured for myself: stay-at-home dad. A job I probably wouldn't have gotten if I had interviewed for it. Not even joking, you can ask my wife.

Then everything else showed up. The isolation. Lonliness. Not knowing who I was without my work.

Job applications went nowhere, and I felt like a failure in my career while peers and colleagues kept growing in theirs. All of it was taking a toll on my mental health. And if you're a man reading this, there's a decent chance you know what comes next. You keep going, and you don't say much about it. That silence is what this post is about. Men, mental health, and why so many of us wait so long to ask for help.

What are the facts about men and mental health?

If you've been quietly keeping it together, you're in very large company. In a UK survey for the Mental Health Foundation, more than a third of men said they either waited over two years to tell a friend or family member they were struggling, or never did. And in the US, only about four in ten men with a mental health condition receive treatment, compared with closer to six in ten women. The short version is that men get help less often than women, and a lot of us wait far too long to get it.

Struggling isn't the rare part. Saying so out loud is.

Why do men wait so long?

Ask most men how they're doing and the standard response is "I'm good." It's usually a lie to keep the conversation going, but it's easier than telling someone you barely know that you aren't sleeping well and have developed an unhealthy obsession with telling pedestrians off for walking in the bike lane. A lot of men grow up with the same unwritten rules. Don't ask for directions. We don't need help. We can do it by ourselves.

Men's depression and anxiety often show up as irritability, anger, fatigue, or overworking, which is part of why it gets missed. Sometimes it's a drink that turns into two, and men are nearly three times as likely as women to become dependent on alcohol. And the people who might notice are often further away than they used to be. About 15% of men say they have no close friends, compared with 10% of women. If you've just moved to a new country as an expat dad, that number can hit zero overnight.

What happens when your career is your identity and then it disappears?

For a lot of men, work isn't just income. It's how you introduce yourself. It's the answer to "so, what do you do?", which becomes the hardest question in the room when the standard answer is "We moved here for my wife's job."

Follow your partner abroad as a trailing spouse and you can lose your identity overnight. The research on male accompanying partners is thinner than you'd expect, but what exists points the same way. Male partners tend to carry higher stress from career disruption on top of the usual relocation stress, and the social awkwardness around their role can deepen their isolation. Add a foreign job market where your experience doesn't translate the way you hoped, and every rejection lands a little harder than it should. It stops being about one application. It starts feeling like a verdict on who you are.

What about the partner who's carrying the other side?

This is the part that took me a while to see clearly. While you're struggling to find your footing, your partner is often carrying their own stress. If their job is the reason you're here, they feel the pressure to perform, and if they're the sole provider, they feel it for everyone. They may also be missing things. School moments, ordinary afternoons, the parenting stuff you now have a front row seat for.

Watching them carry that, while dealing with your own version of hard, is its own kind of difficult. Two people in the same house, both under strain, each one's struggle quietly adding to the other's. If you're the dad or trailing spouse reading this, your partner is already carrying a lot. Getting support is one of the best ways you can show up for them.

How does this affect your family?

It spills over, and I say that without any shame attached to it. You're not a bad dad or a bad partner. You're drained, and there's only so much of you to go around by the end of the day. You may think that you are hiding it well, that your silence at the dinner table when everyone is sharing about their day isn't impacting your loved ones. But kids and partners notice. A meta-analysis in JAMA Network Open linked more severe depression in fathers to a higher risk of depression in their children, and the researchers stressed the importance of early support for fathers. Being the grumpy dad at dinner isn't helping anyone. Taking care of yourself is.

How can you get the support you need?

Start smaller than you think. You don't need a reason serious enough to justify asking for help. Being too drained at the end of the day to be who your family needs is enough. Feeling like you've lost yourself somewhere along the way is enough. Carrying something for a long time without putting it down is enough.

I'm a U.S.-licensed social worker with more than 16 years of experience, but this one is personal. I moved, I struggled, and eventually I reached out for support. That's the reason I was able to open The Schmidts Institute, my counseling practice here in The Hague that I had always dreamed of starting. Now I get to offer the same support I got to others who find themselves in a similar spot. I work in English with men, expat dads, and trailing spouses in and around The Hague, online or on a walk.

If the idea of sitting across from someone feels like too much, Walk & Talk sessions might be an easier way in. A cup of coffee, no forced eye contact, more fresh air. And if you're not sure what you'd even say, you don't need to worry (I wrote a whole post about that).

If any of this sounds familiar, book a free 15-minute consultation. And if the idea of counseling still isn’t your thing, reach out to someone, anyone. Talk to your family, friends, a colleague, or anyone you feel comfortable with.

One last thing, since October 10 is World Mental Health Day. In the Netherlands, men accounted for more than two-thirds of suicides in 2025, with 1,205 men dying compared with 553 women. You don't have to wait for things to get that heavy to say something. And if they already feel that heavy, 113 is free and available 24/7 at 113 or 0800-0113, with an English chat on 113.nl. You'll also find more support on my Mental Health Resources page.

Sources

Andrew Kaufman
Next

Walk & Talk: Therapy That Moves With You